Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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