My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
