The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
