He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
