my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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