i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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