Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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