for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
