I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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