Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
