You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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