theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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