Kiss
Puke
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
