i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
