i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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