I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
that is very illegal...i love you.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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