her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
