I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i came on her dog
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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