I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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