Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
