I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
