I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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