he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Is Oprah even human
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
