Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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