woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
