I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
