He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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