We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
