I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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