i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
