I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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