WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
