No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
