just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
