seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Tornado booty call.. dedication
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
