Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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