Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
PANTIES FOUND
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