I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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