wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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