I got chris browned last night
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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