Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
