Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
