Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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