Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
