Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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