I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
