I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
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That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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