i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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