the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
