tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
