listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
